Seeing Past Sexuality

For a long time in my life, I was bruised to such an extent to withdraw entirely from society.  But I’ve rejoined the world now, yet, unfortunately, I have found that most of what I was hiding myself from was, in fact, fraudulent. 

About three years ago, I discovered another side of madness; I stepped forward out of the world of psychosis, which my schizophrenic mind had bound me to for ten years.  And I have taken many steps towards recovery and independence since.  What is important to understand is that I thought I had a rat in my brain for my ten years spent in psychosis.  But there is another side to schizophrenia that cannot, I believe, be explained, simply by understanding brain chemistry…or genetics.

My bruised ego—it was the result of terrible alienation which lasted throughout my adolescence and into my early adulthood.  But I imagined, once I found that I didn’t have a rat in my brain, that my existence would no longer be imbued with madness…or…alienation.  However, in the last three years since becoming healthy again, I have only been renewed in my madness.  I am not crazy.  There is actually something really wrong with my life that I cannot fix; I’m a person who must, regardless of my own desires, live in emotional exile.

Let’s be very clear about what I mean when I say I live in emotional exile.  I have, for the last thirteen years, living in Vermont, had one sex partner.  For a month and a half, within the course of said thirteen year span, I lived in Miami, and I had three sex partners while I was there.  The one sex partner that I was with here in Vermont is now a dear friend; I must say that my friendships are very rewarding; but I also must say that to be so limited in your expression of affection for so long, is itself madness.

I am not unlucky in love because there is something wrong with my brain.  I could go on to explain all the good qualities I have which make it so much more inexplicable that I am so lacking in sexual intimacy.  I will not, because I don’t think it matters so much how virtuous, sexy, or noble someone is for finding a lover or sex partner.    

For the longest time, I felt so weak and frail, emotionally, because I had been without intimacy for so long.  I felt like there was something wrong with me; a few things have helped me to flip that coin over and see myself from another perspective.  Having had time to look deeply into myself to see that I am bright, resilient, and charming has rewarded me with tremendous amounts of self-love.  And being forced into spiritual—and emotional—desolation was the proving grounds for my self-love. 

My self-love did not blossom until I found root for it, however.  Finding this root took having some of the greatest relationships with some of the greatest friends I could imagine.  It also took being able to look at myself and know I have given my life my all. 

Here and now, I look at our sexualized culture from a very different perspective than when I first went into exile.  Sexuality is, to so many people, a thin veil which hides tremendous insecurity.  But no one is anymore at fault for their sexual transgressions than I am for being so hidden from my expression sexuality.  What is most wrong isn’t wrong within me anymore than it is within you.  When enough people see this one truth we can truly live in a culture of free love.